What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 03:39
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I think the readers, may guess!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
We all went to grammer schools
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
How often do you watch the news on TV?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
What will the legacy of Jimmy Carter be in light of his death today at 100?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Hillary thinks we must censor or "we lose total control". Why does she demand total control?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I don,t even have a pension.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
How do you deal with a neighbor stealing?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I waited trembling.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
How would you feel if your girlfriend had dick pics on her phone?
Comes on , in middle age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My life is so biszare .
I was scared of men, in general
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He knew the spot.
We were not on the streets..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I will be 64.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Who then, do I blame.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I said to her
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It was going to be , some day.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But it wasn’t much.
And i lived it daily.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Put me off passion for life!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im still living with it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So, i spoilt her more .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!